Oyster Week: How to Win an Oyster Eating Competition (Next Time)

I love oysters so much, it’s practically a major food group in my household. But holding on to this pastime of mine for more than a decade, I’ve seen the price of these coin-sized bivalves double in price in our fair city. Long gone are the days of buck-a-shuck (or are they?), and for good reason—oysters are notoriously finicky creatures and susceptible to all kinds of predators, like crabs, gulls and sea-borne bacteria, so when a healthy oyster prime for eating emerges from the many, many processes that it takes to end up on an iced-platter infront of you at a restaurant, it’s a damn-near miracle.

All of which to say is: when I found out about the call to compete in an oyster-eating contest, it was less about proving that I could go toe-to-toe with other fast eaters, but more about the fact that I could put away quite a few of my very favourite sea gems without having to pay the high price of these gourmet delicacies. I was in! 

Alas, the day came for Coast’s first annual Sean Riley Memorial shucking and eating competition on National Oyster Day, and as soon as I sized up my competition, I knew I was cooked (ironic since the oyster eating competition was all about going raw).

Here’s everything I learned from being in an oyster eating competition.

READ MORE: Where to Buy Fresh Oysters in Vancouver

Don’t Talk S***

When our VP of Content, Anicka Quin asked me just how many oysters I thought I could down in a single sitting, I unflinchingly said, “about sixty.” I was imagining, of course, sprightly, dime-sized kusshi oysters laid out on a bed of ice. The office was in shock and awe. My co-workers might have even believed it, I was so confident as I imagined my name being engraved on the gold oyster eating competition trophy. In the end, I placed fourth of eight competitors—my co-workers generously patting me on the back and applauding me for trying in my defeat.

Dress Your Oysters First

When I have an afternoon to gingerly enjoy a dozen oysters, I dress them several ways: some with mignonette, some with a squirt of lemon, some with horseradish, a few with all three combined and a couple as they are, tasting the oyster liquor on its own. With two minutes on the clock and two dozen oysters sitting infront of you, there’s no time for all that. But also, slamming a dozen undressed oysters is not the same as having a couple. I stopped mid-timer to dress a couple oysters with mignonette, slowing down my ultimate time altogether. In hindsight, I would have dumped my entire bowl of vinaigrette on my plate and started going to town. Looking over at the winner, I noticed he was taking gulps of cocktail sauce while simultaneously slamming shellfish.

Loving Food Is Not The Same As Eating Competitively

I feel like this is self-explanatory, but I learned it the hard way. You see—I didn’t just get the petite gem-sized kusshis I was imagining—this wasn’t a high-end dinner, this was an EATING CONTEST, and so I was met with platefuls of very, very large sunseeker oysters that made even me, a seasoned oyster connoisseur, choke up a bit. To my right, the winning competitor was using bare hands to scoop the meaty morsels into his mouth while I not-so-gingerly scooped them into my mouth with a fork.

Put Aside Your Vanity

Shoving shellfish frantically into your face is not cute. But you don’t win trying to look cute! Put your hair up. 

Get Back Out There

Within a week, I was back to my usual oyster lovin’ ways, searching for another patio on which to enjoy my favourite fare. Special shout out to these spots who keep on shuckin’ in the free world.