Smoothies: Refreshing. Mobile. Healthy.

Human interaction: Risky. Stressful. Often leads to conversations I don't want to have.

Is it too much to ask that I access a smoothie in this city without interacting with another living being? Is it ridiculous to say that every person who has ever sold me a smoothie is either extremely grumpy or so chipper that I am struck my an immediate and unjustified jealousy? All I want is fruit in liquid form, hold the humanity. I once almost achieved my dream by purchasing a bottled smoothie at the self check-out, but of course, those machines can sense fear. Is there anything worse than waiting for an attendant while the queue grows steadily behind you?

There's got to be a better way.

xHere's what it looks like, so you won't have to ask anyone for directions. 

The answer: Vancouver's first smoothie robot. The Smoothie Machine will be ready to not ask you how your morning is on February 25 at Parker Street Studios. The machine makes plant-based smoothies in less than a minute (which means there is only a small chance that you might run into another human whilst your fruit is being obliterated). The six flavours available are Mango Tango, Passion Peach, Pineapple Glory, Cool Banana, and Tropical Berry—again, make your selection now to minimize unwanted interaction.

This machine won't call you by the wrong pronoun, spell your name wrong, or tell you it likes your totally average sweater. It won't laugh when you accidentally tap your Compass card. It's the perfect scenario: you get a smoothie, the machine gets a tasty $6, and no one tells anyone they'd look prettier if they smiled. Don't share this webpage with anyone.

The Smoothie Machine, 1000 Parker Street