The Gourd, the Bad, and the Ugly: An Ultimate Rating of Kitsilano Jack-O-Lanterns

I love Halloween. Normally at this time of year, I’d be putting the finishing touches on a group costume my friends and I had been planning since August, all set to go to a big bar party and pretend that OH we had no IDEA we would have the most unique original elaborate costume of COURSE you can buy me a drink. Instead, I’m ringing in spooky season at home—a home that is, luckily, surrounded by families desperately trying to outdecorate each other. Since I won’t be winning any costume contests this year, I thought I’d try my hand at judging: here’s a definitive rating of the jack-o-lanterns in my Kits neighbourhood.

Eugene Levy

Vision: 5/10
Execution: 5/10
Character: 10/10
Total: 20/30

Not sure if Eugene Levy was actually the inspo but this fine pumpkin looks like it could win three Emmys.

Bobby McBleedylips

Vision: 9/10
Execution: 9/10
Character: 10/10
Total: 28/30

This work of art really captured the 2020 experience. I’ve never seen so much emotion from an autumn fruit.

Pumpkin Pi

Vision: 3/10
Execution: 10/10
Character: 3/10
Total: 16/30

Yeah, I see what you did there. Pumpkin pi. You’re soooo smart.

Tracie Twoteeth

Vision: 9/10
Execution: 10/10
Character: 10/10
Total: 29/30

Body expectations for pumpkins are ridiculous, so we’re really admiring this carver’s choice of a squash that looks a bit like a deflated balloon. The creativity is also top-notch: those teeth? Come on.

Pumpkin-Eyed Joe

Vision: 10/10
Execution: 9/10
Character: 8/10
Total: 27/30

Using the eyeball offcuts for 3D horns? (Or ears, I can’t tell)? Monstrous. Adorable. Genius.

Sergeant Squash Sr.

Vision: ?/10
Execution: ?/10
Character: 30/10
Total: 30/30

Whatever the intention was, this fellow has clearly been through it, and we don’t wish to traumatize him further. Wishing he and his loved ones all the best.

#FYP (For You Pumpkin)

Vision: 8/10
Execution: 10/10
Character: 10/10
Total: 28/30

I wish I knew enough about Tik Tok to make a Tik Tok joke but I only know enough about Tik Tok to know this is some kind of Tik Tok reference???

Toothsome Terry

Vision: 10/10
Execution: 9/10
Character: 10/10
Total: 29/30

Historically speaking, this jack o’lantern is perfect—scary enough to keep wandering spirits at bay. In the modern day, he could use some orthodontics.

Ralph

Vision: 5/10
Execution: 10/10
Character: 9/10
Total: 24/30

Like the Pumpkin Pi, this joke is overdone. Unlike the Pumpkin Pi, I still think it’s totally hilarious. 

Count Von Bark

Vision: 8/10
Execution: 10/10
Character: 8/10
Total: 26/30

This pumpkin’s eyeholes kind of look like ghost Scottish terriers, so I’ve created this long and involved backstory involving canine betrayal and an irreversible curse. I won’t bore you with the details.

Beady Bigmouth

Vision: 1/10
Execution: 1/10
Character: 28/10
Total: 30/30

Is this pumpkin happy? Sad? Scared? It’s impossible to tell. Exactly the kind of bizarre, mysterious joy that Halloween is all about.