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I love Halloween. Normally at this time of year, I’d be putting the finishing touches on a group costume my friends and I had been planning since August, all set to go to a big bar party and pretend that OH we had no IDEA we would have the most unique original elaborate costume of COURSE you can buy me a drink. Instead, I’m ringing in spooky season at home—a home that is, luckily, surrounded by families desperately trying to outdecorate each other. Since I won’t be winning any costume contests this year, I thought I’d try my hand at judging: here’s a definitive rating of the jack-o-lanterns in my Kits neighbourhood.
Not sure if Eugene Levy was actually the inspo but this fine pumpkin looks like it could win three Emmys.
This work of art really captured the 2020 experience. I’ve never seen so much emotion from an autumn fruit.
Yeah, I see what you did there. Pumpkin pi. You’re soooo smart.
Body expectations for pumpkins are ridiculous, so we’re really admiring this carver’s choice of a squash that looks a bit like a deflated balloon. The creativity is also top-notch: those teeth? Come on.
Using the eyeball offcuts for 3D horns? (Or ears, I can’t tell)? Monstrous. Adorable. Genius.
Whatever the intention was, this fellow has clearly been through it, and we don’t wish to traumatize him further. Wishing he and his loved ones all the best.
I wish I knew enough about Tik Tok to make a Tik Tok joke but I only know enough about Tik Tok to know this is some kind of Tik Tok reference???
Historically speaking, this jack o’lantern is perfect—scary enough to keep wandering spirits at bay. In the modern day, he could use some orthodontics.
Like the Pumpkin Pi, this joke is overdone. Unlike the Pumpkin Pi, I still think it’s totally hilarious.
This pumpkin’s eyeholes kind of look like ghost Scottish terriers, so I’ve created this long and involved backstory involving canine betrayal and an irreversible curse. I won’t bore you with the details.
Is this pumpkin happy? Sad? Scared? It’s impossible to tell. Exactly the kind of bizarre, mysterious joy that Halloween is all about.