One-Star Reviews for the Best Restaurants in the City

You win some, you lose some.

You win some, you lose some.

A couple weeks ago, we revealed our 2018 Restaurant Awards winners, and many local chefs and foodies were thrilled to read our list of the city’s best eats. But the fact is, you can’t please everyone. No matter how stellar your food, drinks and service are, there’s always going to be a fly in someone’s soup (literal or figurative), and you can bet that person’s going to write the most colourful Yelp review on this side of the Rockies. Online reviews can be brutal, vindictive, untrue, and oftentimes, wildly entertaining. So we perused the rich hellscape of online critiques for several of this year’s RA winners to find the meanest, funniest and most ridiculous one-star reviews out there—and we organized them into six categories for your viewing pleasure. Because hey, a little humility never hurt anyone.

1. I Didn’t Actually Eat Here

Botanist“First off, I haven’t eaten here yet, not sure if I will…I went in to check it out, but the decor made me want to leave. I may give this more stars if someone takes me here to eat.”Burdock and Co.“I can’t comment on the food here…we decided to leave as soon as we were seated.”Bao Bei“This is a one-star review because we didn’t go in.”

2. I Hate the Other Patrons

Thomas Haas“It was the obnoxious and self-absorbed patrons that made me think I won’t be coming here again.”The Mackenzie Room“Hipsters and their attitudes need to leave the DTES.”

3. The Critics Got It Wrong

Via Tevere“I guess all that initial media has gone to their heads and customers better just be happy to get in and take what they are given. Shameful!”Agrius“Restaurant has potential but needs some attitude adjustment. Just because one critic loved you, doesn’t make you good.”Nook“I REALLY wish it lived up to the hype, but it failed on every single aspect. Was it good you might ask? ABSOLUTELY not.”

4. I Can’t Bring My Family Here

Mr. Red Café“I had asked her not to place the spring rolls by my daughter but she did and just walked away.”Marutama Ra-men“I preferred my baby to sit between me and my wife so we could feed him, but one of the staff insisted to rearrange my baby to sit at the corner of the table?”

5. I Didn’t Like It, But I Don’t Want to Be That Rude

Rangoli“If you want to waste your time and money, but look cool doing so, this is a great place do it.”Waterfront Wines“He brought us complimentary gelato bites (big deal—we didn’t try them, but maybe they were okay, who knows or cares).”

6. Ummm…what?

Terroir Kitchen“The owners’ lack of experience is evidenced by the fact that they chose a name that no one can pronounce.”Maenam“Our clothes were smelling like Thai food so much that the taxi driver told us when we got in the cab, ‘Obviously you had Thai food tonight.'”Boulevard Kitchen and Oyster Bar“We asked the staff person if the clam chowder was heavy and she said—’it is soup.'”Dynasty Seafood“The server is vacuuming around my feet and table. The hell? Never have I experienced this.”Cioppino’s“There was a man dressed in black standing at the bar that looked like security. We nicknamed him Gino and were confused as to what his role was.”Cactus Club Cafe“When being served by a human lacks a human quality; we’ve all failed as a society.”Provence Marinaside“Found a big dead dragonfly on my salad plate! They proceeded to tell me it’s not a dragonfly but rather it was part of an onion?!?!”