The Bite: This Avoburger is the Hottest Mess

Don’t even try using your hands. Trust me.

Let’s cut to the chase. This “burger” known as the Avoburger ($7.95) has no meat, no bun, and no primary-coloured condiments. Now before you close this page, slam your laptop shut, and vow to never climb the green-railed steps to Avocado Bay’s second-floor bar lest the mighty burger gods smite you from your stool, listen up: It. Is. Beautiful.I’m not talking Deep-Cove-sunset beautiful. Not even parallel-parking-on-the-first-try beautiful. I’m talking stupidly, ridiculously, your-ex-will-probably-slide-into-your-dms-when-you-post-it-on-instagram beautiful. The “bun” is a perfectly ripened avocado sliced in half, filled with guacamole, alfalfa sprouts, and seasonal vegetables (this week, those veggies were a giant Portobello mushroom cap and diced potatoes, yams, and carrots). A black sesame seed finish completes the burger-ish aesthetic of this salad in disguise.Avocado aficionados, beware: this gorgeous creation is not to be handled. Do not attempt without a knife and fork. In fact, I wouldn’t recommend eating this in front of anyone with whom you have not yet established a solid relationship. I learned the hard way that besides comfort and carbs, another main responsibility of a hamburger bun is structural integrity.Taste-wise, the guac was definitely a highlight (which makes sense; the spot calls itself a “guacamole bar” and serves up five different kinds of guac). The classic blend of avocado, onion, tomato, and cilantro has an extra lemony kick, and isn’t blended into oblivion like other sad attempts at guacamole. The warm, hearty autumn veggies provided great colour, but also a bit of a strange contrast to the fresh avocado. The textures were overwhelmingly soft. There was nothing sturdy to bite into, which is largely what caused the apocalyptic avoplosion. An unexpected star in this meal was the french fries – they came all dressed up in a lime-y salt getup that I would definitely recommend.For me, the veggie avoburger looked a lot better than it tasted – but hey, it looked really good. It’s hard to compete with such trendy presentation. No matter how you slice it (literally), this “burger” doesn’t stay pretty for long. Ah, the transient nature of beauty.Avocado Bay, 1184 Denman St., avocadobay.com

The Bite is a monthly column that sees writer Alyssa Hirose sampling the city’s weirdest, coolest and most tantalizing plates. For more food news, subscribe to our newsletter!