We get a lot of news about some pretty vanilla (but perfectly nice) Valentine's Day events in Vancouver. We're not here to shame anyone. Vanilla is fine for things like soft serve and candles. But if you're looking for an elegant dinner or a picture-perfect romantic evening, you won't find it here. This post is for all the freaks out there. We see you.

xPoint at fish with your lover at the Vancouver Aquarium's After Hours.

1. Elope at the Aquarium

You know what's real freaky? Commitment. Also, sharks. Say your vows among the cold-blooded (can't be worse than your in-laws, ba dum chh) at the Vancouver Aquarium's After Hours event this Friday. Send them an email ahead and score an "aquarium quickie" (that's a 10-minute ceremony) during which you can get hitched, renew your vows, or just plain declare your love for one another. Just know that no matter how cute of a couple you are, two sea otters holding hands could steal your spotlight at any moment. vanaqua.org

xHave V-Day dinner at Ikea and they'll never call you vanilla again. They'll also never call you again. Photo by Irene Jiang.

2. Enjoy (Probably Your Last) Romantic Meal at Ikea

As if Ikea wasn't already the prime spot to end a relationship (countless hearts have been broken over the BILLY bookcase, we're sure of it). New this year is a $34.99 Valentine's dinner featuring "elevated" Ikea classics, like meatballs with bacon and herb-infused mashed potatoes. Nationwide, stores also promise a special Valentine's day ambiance for the event, which we assume will be created with hundreds of thousands of flickering GLIMMA tealights. Chow down, you'll need the fuel for your post-dinner parking lot argument. ikea.com

xJuke's Fried Chicken Bouquet instructions: clip the ends, place in a glass vase. Store in water in a well-lit windowsill.

3. Buy a Fried Chicken Bouquet

This might seem like a cute, quirky thing to do, but we have some questions about what happens after the obligatory Insta story. Are you buying this fried chicken bouquet solely for your partner, and planning to watch from the sidelines as they rip the greasy masterpiece to shreds? Personally, I would not share such a gift, and would be offended if my partner even proposed the notion. Best to buy two. jukefriedchicken.com

xAh, there it is.

4. Applaud a Giant Clitoris

There are some things you might want to hide from your partner—like the fact that you think a play starring a clitoris is not only hilarious but also a refreshing and educational engagement with the misunderstood female anatomy. But I think we'd all feel better if you'd just admit that Clio the giant clitoris puppet taking the stage is a dream you didn't know you had. Previews start today. artofloving.ca

xYou know how that sexy body chocolate exists? This isn't it, don't use it for that.

5. Humiliate Your Partner

"How boring," your partner will think as you gift them this innocent-looking chocolate bar from Beta 5. How basic. How utterly bland. Then, they will take a bite, feeling the wrath of the DownLow Chicken Carolina Reaper dust blend. Their eyes will well up with tears. "How stupid I was to underestimate you," they will think. How clever you will feel. instagram.com/dlchicken

xIs it just us, or does it feel hot in here? (It's not just us. Global warming is real. Please recycle).

6. Give Some Space

Is there anything freakier than contemplating how small, fragile, and ultimately insignificant your life is? Could there be a more intimate activity than arguing over whether Einstein or Newton would make a better date? During your romantic evening at the H.R. MacMillan Space Centre, make sure you remind your partner how it really doesn't matter that you didn't unload the dishwasher. spacecentre.ca